You have fallen in love with her and she does not even know you exist. You love him, but he just wants to be your friend. You think you would be a perfect match, but it never occurs to her that you can be together. Why? Why doesn’t she love me? In Psychology-Online we provide you with the psychological explanation to that question. Keep reading!
Why don’t you love me as a couple
Sometimes we come across the situation that we like a person, and it is not reciprocal. We fantasize about dating her, we get closer, we become her friend, we gain confidence and we jump in. And wow. Or we ask him to leave … And silence. Or a resounding no. The point is that he does not want us as a couple and the explanation he gives us at the moment seems improvised, an excuse … The reality is that it is highly unlikely that it is a thoughtful explanation. Most people don’t have the time or think about why they don’t want to be with another person as a couple. But that does not mean that the feeling is less valid. The reasons why this feeling exists can be many, and very varied:
- Different ideological, political, ways of seeing life, etc.
- Incompatibilities from day to day, little things that he has realized that as a couple he would not endure.
- Lack of things in common, same interests, hobbies, etc.
- Different life goals (e.g .: one wants to live in another country and the other doesn’t, one wants daughters and the other doesn’t , etc.)
These four previous ones are included within the lack of cognitive consistency. People try to maintain coherence between our beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors. Therefore, from this perspective, we want a partner who has the same ideas and hobbies as us.
- Lack of attraction, chemistry.
- Incompatible personalities. Some studies have shown that the most valued traits in people are grouped into two sets: affection (affectionate, friendly, considerate, etc.) and competence, which includes social skills and intelligence.
- A combination of the above.
Most importantly, none of those reasons make you less valid or less deserving of a relationship. It can be easy to fall into self-destructive explanations that undermine your self-esteem why he does not want to be with you, but nothing is further from the truth, or simply would not have been close to you from the first moment. The best thing, if you have these types of thoughts, is to let some time pass and then ask if there is a special reason why he does not want to be with you.
He doesn’t want to be with me, but he looks for me, why?
He may not love you as a partner but may appreciate you for other forms of relationships, such as friendship or sexuality. You don’t have to be in love with or love someone to be attractive, interesting, or even want to sleep with them.
Also, that he does not want to be with you, does not mean that he does not love you, but that he does not love you romantically. But friendship is an equally valid form of love , even though we have been led to believe that the only way to truly love is in a relationship.
What to do when she doesn’t love you
What can we do when the person we like doesn’t love us? First think about what you are really looking for and if you really love him or not. Ask yourself why you want to be with her . This question is important because there are a series of factors that have nothing to do with love that can push us to want to be with someone. Let’s see some examples:
- The fear of loneliness. Actually, you want to be with that person because you do not know how to be alone or for fear of being alone, and in this case, it is best to have a few sessions with a psychologist to help you deal with this issue before embarking on a relationship. Here you can read How to overcome the fear of loneliness.
- Infatuation. This case is quite likely, especially if you have known the person for a relatively short time. With the hormonal cascade that infatuation causes, it’s easy to mistake it for love. Falling in love only lasts for a while, and when it passes, you can see real love, or not. You do not choose who you fall in love with, but who you end up loving, so, even if it is hard if yours is a capricious infatuation and she does not want to be with you, it is best to let it be before doing more unnecessary harm.
- Sexiness. You may only want to be with her because she attracts you sexually, and you mix it with love for various reasons, such as the hormonal kick it causes you, falling in love or the fear of being alone, or because in the culture in which we live sex and love are closely associated. In this case, that she loves you is not an essential requirement to be with her. You do not need to be aware of you or anything that you can associate with the condition of “loving.” Be sincere and establish the relationship that you both want.
If you really love him, the only thing you can do is reveal your feelings to him so that he knows it , if you want. But if she doesn’t love you, and she told you, and you know it, that’s it. Do not insist. The world is full of wonderful people to love, and there are many ways to love and love. You can find another who loves you the same as you love her , or not. That they do not love you romantically or not have a loving relationship, is not a sign of failure, or that you are not lovable. They can love you in many ways and your life can continue to be full.
She does not love you. You do It’s like a stab, but the world doesn’t end.
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.