They have sold us the motorcycle that true love should be for life. We are the descendants of a romantic ideal that teaches us that we must find our better half: a single person to love and who loves us, in addition to satisfying us in all areas of our life for the rest of it. Romantic love has been with us in our culture since long before we were born and we suckled it from babies through fairy tales, Disney princesses and romantic movies. We have it so internalized that, when it is our turn to live that story, we find ourselves face to face with reality, since it collides many times with that ideal of love that they had sold us. And then it is normal that you wonder how to know if you are with the love of your life. In Psychology-Online we will help you to approach the question in a healthier and more realistic way and we will give you the answers you need.
Where does love come from
Romantic love is an invention of the 12th century. The troubadours, the lyrical poets of that time, began to conceptualize love as a whole, carnal and spiritual (that is, sexual and emotional): courtly love. At that time, this love could only be given outside of marriage, since the marriage union had a purely practical purpose and was unrelated to romanticism.
This new love that those wealthy men could enjoy and with free time spread in the rest of society as “the ideal of love” through poems, chivalric books, etc. During the eighteenth century, a new ideal began to emerge in Europe among the bourgeois class that sought to unite romantic love with the pragmatism of marriage. This ideal responded to an economic need and stated that one could satisfy all their needs, love, desire and reproduce with a single person for the rest of their life.
Now, we are direct heirs of romantic love and that ideal continues to perpetuate itself among us, permeating our desires, expectations and dreams.
The perpetuation of the myth
Above, you search on the internet how to know if she is the love of your life and the results that come out are X signals or keys that are more similar to the romantic ideal than to reality itself (sex must be the best of your life, it cannot jealousy, it should be your priority, you can’t think of other people, etc.) and that, in addition, they are much easier to find at the beginning of the relationship, when everything is still rosy and, therefore, easier to believe. They paint us again that the relationship must be perfect.
But perfect relationships don’t exist. Over time, our life changes, our situation changes, and we as people also change. It is not unusual to find that the person with whom we thought was the love of our life, with whom we would always be, is no longer there. Or that the relationship that was perfect in the beginning is no longer like Disney’s.
How to recognize the love of your life
The idea of the love of your life is a derivative of romantic love. We propose a reconceptualization of love in which, instead of focusing on identifying the love of your life (the one, unique, the perfect, the one that does not exist), you focus on recognizing and enjoying true love , which can accompany you or not for life, but it is certainly more tangible and much healthier.
Thus, starting from the idea of recognizing true love, first, you ask yourself how do you know if what you feel is love, for which our test How do you know if you are in love? can help you find out. And then how do you know if the love is mutual? How do you know if someone likes you? it can also guide you.
For Sternberg, true love was that which brought together the three elements:
- Intimacy: knowledge of the other and trust
- Passion: seeking physical and/or emotional union with the other
- The commitment: to maintain the bond and overcome adversity
The healthy and true love is not only one that meets these qualities, but also one that:
- Love without possessing
- Communicates assertively
- He cares about the welfare and happiness of the other
- Strives to understand
- Supports each other
- It doesn’t make you feel bad
- Rejoices in the other person’s accomplishments
In case you still have any questions, you can also take the test How to know if it is true love? from our page!
Do not be obsessed with whether or not he is the love of your life and enjoy true love. Long live free and healthy love!
This article is merely informative, in Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.